as doubt creeps in

I am not sure why, but for some reason I seem to be entertaining the notion of staying with {corporate restaurant name here} until the new year. I was offered the possibility of a raise, if I would commit to then. I am not really sure why I am considering it. I think it is because that would be the easy choice, which would allow me to maintain status quo and not have to make any major life changes. Well, not just that, but the benefit of the kids staying at the same school for another year or two, instead of having to change once now and again when I take the PCP.
To move would take a lot of planning, a lot of changes and decisions. I want to know that this is the right choice first, but really it isn't up to me. It's up to God.
As I come home from the final night of Freedom Session, the graduation complete, I am reminded that I need to listen to what God is trying to tell me. The one rule in life that I am really trying to live by is "do the last thing that God wanted to you do". All you have to do is follow that rule, and He will be sure to take care of you, and deliver on His promises. The struggle is: taking the time to listen to Him, and having the courage to act on it. I know I need to spend more time listening. The funny thing is, even though I know this, I still choose not to.
I look forward to the Thursday night meetings of the "triad", now that Freedom Session is over, my group of dudes that will hold me accountable to listen to God and encourage me to act on what I hear.

check 1,2

This morning I was able to check off another item in the List To Complete To Apply For PCP. (that's primary care paramedic, not crystal meth). The criminal record check has been ordered, and for $42.00 I will be once again proven clear of ever having had trouble with the law*.

Anyway, I have come to realize that I can not soon enough get out of the restaurant and in to the BC ambulance service. Until then, I will just have to suck it up and bear it, but I will make it known-I don't want to be there.


*(read:being caught)

it's official

I now am the proud owner of a certificate of completion from the Justice Institute of B.C. It turns out that spending 3 weeks of your life doing nothing but reading & practicing emergency medicine, with the occasional dinner with the family, really pays off.

The biggest question now is, what do I do with it? Do I spend $450 to take the actual EMA licensing board test to be allowed to practice? Do I wait, and keep doing what I am doing until I get into the PCP (primary care paramedic) program, which either involves waiting until next May to take it here in the Lower Mainland or moving to Van Island to take it in January? Do I do both? If I get a job, it will probably involve a move, and unless I wait a year, school will involve a move too. I can't really do neither...

Any suggestions internet? Move for work, move for school, move for both? {Que up The Clash, with the ever popular "should I stay or should I go"}

as panic sets in

I think about studying. I dream about the final exam. I even go to the Justice Institute to meet up with my fellow classmates to do some practice. We do some rolls, dust off the AED, look up some incidents on the J.I. website. We have lunch, and all seem to be decidedly done with the practice. No-one appears overly nervous about tomorrow, including me.

And then I come home, and since the house is empty and quiet, I decide a nap will be the perfect thing for Sunday afternoon. It was really a good nap. A fine nap indeed.

The problem now, now that the nap is over, the practice is done, and tomorrow looms closer and closer: the panic is setting in. I can't bring myself to open up the books and begin studying, but my brain decides to run in to overdrive all the same. Situations, skills, happenings, indications and contraindications all keep racing through my head. Doubt creeps in, do I know how to deal with this? What if this comes up on the test? We haven't even looked at how to care for burns for a week, and what if that happens? When do I pull the burn kit out?

I know that this is what God is calling me to do. I know that this is what I will be good at, I have been given a gift of caring & healing. Why then does my whole body feel like there is an electrical current running through me, charging me up, making my muscles tingle with anticipation? Why do I feel this hesitation to open up the books and review one more time the sequence of the patient assessment, and when to use interventions and what guidelines are attached?

How will I keep the panic from setting in Monday morning when it is my turn to show that I am capable of saving a life?